No Asshole Policy
Preamble
Practicing law in an asshole-free environment is a foundational principle at SparkTown. It is, in some ways, a fundamental change to the practice of law, and we are determined that SparkTown remain resolutely asshole-free.
The No Asshole Policy is fundamental to the existence of SparkTown, and your agreement to abide by this policy is fundamental to our consenting to share our space with you.
What is an Asshole?
Although an asshole is kind of like obscenity (you know it when you see it: Jacobellis v. Ohio, 378 U.S. 184), there are a few common characteristics: yelling in the office, treating others disrespectfully, behaving in an uncivilised manner, bullying, harassing, completely and totally lacking a sense of humour, being pretentious, douchy, selfish, rude, or discourteous, failing to think before speaking, not treating others as you would like to be treated, and generally doing a lot of things that your mother told you that you really oughtn’t do.
To Whom Does the Policy Apply?
You are expected to personally abide by the policy at all times. You are also expected to make reasonable efforts to ensure that your employees, guests, and clients are aware of and abide by the policy.
Any guests or clients who behave in an extremely asshole-like manner may be ejected from SparkTown and banned from returning.
Who Decides?
The management of SparkTown, at its sole, absolute, unfettered, unrestrained, and uninhibited discretion, has the power to determine if anyone is being an asshole at any particular time.
We aren’t assholes, though. We’ll be reasonable about it.
What are the Consequences?
Other than concern for your immortal soul and what your mother might say if she found out, the consequences are that you might be asked to leave SparkTown.
If the asshole incident is extreme (i.e. sexual harassment, physical violence, racist comments, etc.), SparkTown will immediately terminate your Space-Sharing Agreement as permitted by the terms of that agreement.
If the incident falls short of extreme, however, we will give you three chances, because that seems fair and if it works with toddlers, it should work with lawyers. If the management of SparkTown feels that you are violating the No Asshole Policy, you will be given a warning in writing (an “Asshole Notice”). We will be clear in the Asshole Notice what behaviour in particular is at issue, and you will be provided an opportunity to explain the behaviour.
Three Asshole Notices will likely result in SparkTown providing you with 60 days notice of termination of this agreement.
Penance and Forgiveness
If, after any incidence of asshole-like behaviour (whether or not it results in an Asshole Notice), you come to your senses and recognise the error of your ways, and if you apologise for your actions to the satisfaction of any and all who have suffered as a result of your actions, you may choose to contribute $100 to the cocktail party fund as penance for your actions.
You will be credited with the contribution at the very next cocktail party, and the incident will be put to rest.